we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
