i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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