I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
