3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
