So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
