I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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