I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
