The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
