Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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