Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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