yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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