I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
