I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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