Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
