I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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