At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
