I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
