I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
