his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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