When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
