also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have fence marks all over my body
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
