please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Someone shattered a urinal.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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