Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
