My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
