i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
