the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
