Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Im part way to drunk.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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