My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
