I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
