U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
