I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
