she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
