well I can't set my house on fire every night
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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