Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That accounts for only three of the penises
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
