The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
