i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
