Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
