she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize