Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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