The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
