what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
