Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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