ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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