I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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