is your mom at the bar?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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