Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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