Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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