she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
