jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
