i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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