Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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