One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize