FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize