Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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