I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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