Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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