Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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