She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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