his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
