Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
