No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
